Thoughts On BLUE LIKE JAZZ

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve."

In all possible sense, I find this film really moving. I don't know, but it just cut through what I am today. The realization of what life is, doesn't matter in the slightest ways. 

What is "REASON"?

The film started awkwardly, as I find it because you know the typical films as I have watched. It is divided it into four sections where the story was exclaimed perfectly. 

SETTING. CONFLICT. CLIMAX. RESOLUTION.

Setting. Like in the process of writing a summary, I find this better to explain my point of view. Setting, this is where the story starts, when and where it happened. It's plainly the introduction of the whole story. In Blue Like Jazz, we find the protagonist, Don, upbringing his church life and readying himself to go to college. 

Conflict. This is where Don's whole world goes upside down left and right all over. The thing is that, his dad, who likes jazz, paid for his college in Portland(Reed College). But he tried to refuse this offer since he has a scholarship from doing church work. When he finds out that his mother is committing adultery with the youth pastor, he actually takes the opportunity to escape this problematic life he is in. 

Climax. In Reed, he found out how worldly life works. He met this super perfect girl(Penny) who never shared interest in him. He got his freedom. But is he really free? He finds himself doing things he never did as a Christian. He just wanted to escape. He became friends with a lesbo and an atheist, he also tried drinking. So in short, he was really opened to the world and its desires. And he was embracing it so easily.

Resolution. He finds himself lost. But then, he realized things after he attended an atheist book review, DOES GOD EXIST. He tried to ask a question to a writer, something like "how do you find meaning?" (as far as I remember). Where the writer told him to find a dictionary to find meaning. He then, realized things he was doing. Like yeah, I wouldn't want to spoil the whole movie to you( haha :)) ). 

MY REALIZATION.

One thing stuck in my mind:

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself."

Two things. Is that something for the better or for the worst. We always have a choice. We always have to make the right choice. To choose what to believe in. 

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve."

God didn't resolve? I don't see how God resolves my problems but I know, escaping and interfering with His plan ruins the better ending we might have. 

 "Fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it's also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life."

So let go of the fear, and just stand firm with God.

Seriously Thinking,

Author Known :))

The Failing Process

The irrationality of a person depends upon a situation and how he reacts on it. This irrationality is what often leads to mistakes, failures, and downfalls at most. The instinctive method depends on your stimuli. 

When we fail, we learn. But when we trip on the same rock for the same reason for many times, that's what we call stupidity. If you don't learn the second time or the worst nth time, from falling, it means that you didn't fall hard enough. You weren't drenched in the pain that you were supposed to. That's why you keep committing the same mistake. 

I don't like failing. It's like life is rejecting my innermost desire to live in this world. That's what I hate the most. The only thing I fear. Because, I am afraid of getting hurt. My threshold of pain isn't that acceptable as you may know. I am weak. I am emotional. I think there's nothing wrong being like that, because I am a human. FLAWED AT IT'S PERFECT IMPERFECTION. 

I don't go into battles I can't win. That's what I tell myself. Being strong doesn't require much. It's all in the mind. 

The reason why I became like this. 

I was always compared with my younger brother. We're like the mortal competitors on a gladiator arena. Whereas, I am the one losing because no one likes me. I was the bad-looking, no-tune in singing, stick drawing, dumb. My philosophy came from this. That, in order for me to win the battle, I don't need to counterattack his techniques. I don't have to fight within the limits I know I won't succeed. I just have to find ways I am good at. So that he will never imagine how weak I am even if I am. 

I was always the good. I never grew to be better. Because I think that was the only reason I can always treat my brother well. To be not as good at him within things I know he will be better with. He's talented. He improves because he doesn't know how better I'll be when I get serious in this battle. Sometimes, in life, you don't need to know everything. So that you never have to be hurt. I'm also talented, obviously, we're from the same genes, right? But I chose to be a wallflower. Never to be heard or seen. Just in the background, supporting. 

In life, you need to sacrifice things to make others happy. And I chose giving up those things to make my life miserable, haha joke! I chose to be the vine that holds the leaves together. I realized that it's kind of awkward to use these metaphors I know I am using profoundly. Because when you are the vine, you make others stay together. As for the leaves I am keeping, I hope you are making your part of staying within my parameters. 

I don't know people who steps on the failing process because I'm not buying them.

Mentally Irrational,

Author Known :))

SALT OF THE EARTH

IS TASTELESS FOOD EATEN WITHOUT SALT, OR IS THERE FLAVOR IN THE WHITE OF AN EGG? [Job 6:6]

Let's put it this way. Would you rather eat salt or the white of an egg? 

Tasteless -- without flavor; useless

You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. [Matthew 5:13]

We are the salt of the earth, but do you really think you are remaining salty?


SALT PURIFIES. Acts and words. Blameless. Christ-like. Nowadays, sometimes we are carried by the rhythm of the world. It depends on how you purify yourself from abstaining to go with the flow.

SALT HEALS. They say salt heals, which is truly correct, as far as I can remember it has antiseptic effects when we put it into wounds. It hurts when we put some salt to our wounds, it is because the longer we endure the pain, the faster we heal. Sinning makes us un-salty. It makes us useless. When we are corrected or when we have criticisms, we don't actually accept them for a matter of seconds. It breaks us apart when we have them. But when we learn to accept them, it makes us better. 


SALT PRESERVES. In our History class, when I was in junior year, I learned that Egyptians used natron(salt) to preserve the mummies. To preserve the dead. The only difference is that, we live to be preserved. Preserving our outlook with life. Preserving the foundations we have in order to grow better in Christ.


SALT INTENSIFIES HEAT. In cooking pasta, I always try to figure out why my mom puts salt while boiling it. Now I know!! Lol, it intensifies the heat. When we are with fellow salts of the earth, we intensify the heat that we have. We burn for the great cause God has planned for us. 

Remaining salty is the hardest part of being a Christian. It doesn't mean that if we are salty enough that we have these characteristics, we have to stay in the salt shaker. We have to show and declare to the world that we are out of the salt shaker, to step out and let others know that our God through being salt of the earth.


Thinking Still,
Author Known

AM I A REAL FRIEND?

What is FRIENDSHIP? It is a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. They say, it is friendship when a person has the tendency to desire what is best for the other, when you share honesty, when you enjoy each other's company, and when you have trust with each other. 

Friends and acquaintances are often reciprocated as the same continuum. You'll only know the difference, when these acquaintances are really friends. Here, we could detest who are really real and those who are fake. 

To me, friendship means having mistakes and flaws without getting any judgement. 

HOW TO CHOOSE FRIENDS

Righteous. Good examples. Godly counsels. Not bad influences. Never lead you astray. Someone who will guide you to the right direction. Someone who will always remind you of the real purpose of your life, which is to serve God and live according to His will. [Proverbs 12:26] 

Wise. Someone who seeks wisdom and not knowledge. Most of all, not a fool. Knowledge is easy to understand, wisdom is not. Knowledge is found, wisdom is searched and delved. For wisdom is built within the strong foundation of knowledge, it is the opposite of folly. What foolishness brings us is senselessness. And it isn't in the path of understanding. A friend teaches you what is right and never of what is wrong. [Proverbs 13:20; 14:6,7]

To sum it all up, we need BI's. Not the typical meaning of Bad Influence as you may know and say, but Best Influence. Someone who is not subjected to anger, never wrathful, and never a bad company. For bad company ruins good morals. [1 Corinthians 15:33]

Maybe after reading this section of my blog, you may think "I'm doomed, friends are hard to find. I'm forever alone." The stronger the realization of this, the higher your standards will be. People are not made perfect. We may not find all those qualities. It is because we are not looking. And where should we start looking? It is in ourselves. 

IMPORTANCE OF FRIENDSHIP

We fail when we have no guidance. But with friends who are giving you advice, you will find safety. When we listen to advice, we gain wisdom. When we gain wisdom and apply it in our lives, we are wise. 

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. When we find true friends, we become equal. We find better judgement and understanding. Friends lead us to the path God wants us to be. A friend desires what is better for his friend. A friend looks out for his friend. 

Am I a real friend?

Sincerely Asking, 
Author Known 

WHAT CAME MY WAY

I don't know how others could relate to this but I know somehow it's just by faith that I am writing now. It's has been a while since I last blogged. And I know it's kinda odd for me to write in this time. But I just want you to know how I feel now. 

A year ago: I felt my life has no direction. I'm just going with the flow of whom I am with and with the environment they are introducing to me. I really embraced that nature since. I never thought about what's right or wrong. I just know that with all these things that I have, I find happiness.

Now: I feel like my life has purpose. I'm going against the flow of the world. Though I am trying and struggling, I know God is with me, with whatever I do. Process. It takes time. It's not just in a snap or blink that I changed. Things that are easy to get, easily fly away. And I think a strong foundation is what I am trying to build now. It's such a miracle that I found God's grace pouring out on me. 

A year ago: I was afraid to stand up for my faith. Peer. Pressure. I was an introvert. Everybody knows that. I don't stand up or even express what I feel. I felt intimidated with other people's choices. I was an outcast. I don't play the game. 

Now: Look at me. I don't know how God has changed me. I may not really know I am changing bit by bit everyday. But I can see how people see in me. I am not the introvert type (well, maybe you'll find me like that sometimes, but not as often as before). I feel secure of how I could express and step out with what God has given me. 

Sometimes, we play the game even though we know we will lose in the end.

Sometimes, we don't play the game even though we know we will win in the end. 

I'm asking you, which is better? Risks are really hard to take. But when we take it with God, we will not lose. I was like the un-player though I know I will win in the end. I was a no-good, I was afraid to take risks. I was afraid on tripping and stumbling. I was afraid of pain. 

I realized, Jesus endured that pain on the cross, just to redeem us with His precious blood. There are much things that I should be thankful about. Because they are too many, I can't even say everything. 

I want myself to be consumed by the fire devoting to Him. Every single inch of me. It is not because I chose Him, but because He has chosen me to be one of His.

What came my way? It was more of, who came with me to travel the way. 

Joyful and Happy,

Author Unknown :))

TODAY IS TUESDAY

Today is Tuesday and it is raining. Imagine me saying this like a preschooler. I was just moved by how my brother was doing in school. Justin, my youngest brother got a perfect score in spelling today. He was bragging it to my face just now. 

Why am I telling this? I realized something. It is not by intelligence that he perfected the test. It was his determination to keep up with others because he was left behind. 

Imagine if everyone was made perfect. Then there would be no sense of trying to be better. Because you are already perfect. To me, I'm fine with being good. But that is the shallowest thing I have ever believed in. I was assured I was already perfect. I thought I am. Because I felt superior to others. I thought I was better than others. 

Those, I am wrong. Now I know why don't mature in every single aspect that I have. I was ignorant. I was fault seeking. I was selfish. 

It's better to have many flaws. Not to make those flaws un-flawed, but to improve that aspect. It's really a mindful thing for me. Because now I have reconsidered what I have not seen in the past seventeen years of my existence. 

HUMILITY is needed. In order to achieve complete improvement. 

And it is what I need to learn. 

Sincerely,

Author Unknown, :))

Sorry for Thinking Irrationally

Thinking. It is a way of the cognitive analysis done by the brain. People have different kinds of thinking. We have different prerogatives and interpretations. By "we", I can say that all people including myself. Sometimes we step on others' foot, sometimes we put our feet in their shoes. But what do you think is better? 

Frankly, people were made to be different. To think more elevated than other creatures. God made us this way. In life, we need to use our brains. At times, we use this as an instrument for destroying things. Destroying lives. 

I know I am irrational. Sometimes I am unreasonable. People think I am a bragger. And I know I am. I don't wonder why I always lose friends. They don't accept me for being like that. I understand them for that reason. And I am really sorry if that's the case. I am really sorry if I am not the person you expected me to be. 

Levels. They are made to make order in this world. To bring superiority or inferiority to a being. If everything is superior, what would happen? If everyone has this and that, and everyone knows what everyone knows, how would we grow superior? Levels are identified within a certain process. Though some are exceptions to this. 

I am still foolish. I am aware. I am legendary for being a brag-mouth. I am aware, still. 

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Things done by a person depends on his thinking. If he thinks he likes to do something either bad or good, reasons depend on the thinking as well. What he sees, hears, and feels are factors for how he might think. What he say or act is dependent upon how his brain or way of thinking reacts upon a certain situation. 

People know me for being philosophical, simply because I am really someone who will think for every possible answer a question could have. In that way they find me a brag-mouth, but it's kinda typical if you'd really know me. It's the normal me. I am harsh, with my words. I don't consider others' feelings. Because I am really straightforward. What I want to say, I say. What I want to do, I do. And I don't regret things I've done in the past. 

"The heart of the righteous weighs its answers."

One of the principal factors of influencing the mind is the heart. What we feel, we think. Sometimes what we feel is undefined by the mind but is supported by it anyway. INTELLIGENCE IS NEVER THE KEY TO THE RIGHT ANSWER. I'm still struggling to erase this in my brain. 

Faults in the past can never be corrected. It's just a matter of acceptance. And not tripping on the same bad rock over and over again. Changing ourselves for the better. Because the only rock we could dwell on is in God alone. So we'll never be shaken. 

So sorry for thinking irrationally,

Author Known :))

UNKNOWN

Actually after what I've been through, I dunno what I should blog about. It has been almost three days since I have blogged, and I haven't found anything in my brain to write about.

Feelings. Emotions. Sensitivity. Things we cannot teach our brain to do. Things we cannot fake to feel.

It's hard to imagine how life can be so dull with these things ruining the entire personality of a person. I mean, it's not really rainbows and pots of gold in the end. Forget about believing in fairy tales. Forget about concluding that life has a happy ending. Though sometimes it could possibly come true, but everyone should expect the worst. 

Who else hasn't been offended? Or hurt? In such a way, though the certainty of reality does not rely on the past or the future. It does rely on what we do today. Each day we live, we have different futures and it just depends on what we do today, not that we rely on yesterday. 

What I do now is really different from what I do yesterday. It's a matter of realizing and accepting things the way they should be. Things turn out differently when we don't expect them to be. And everything should stay a mystery. (Why am I rhyming?)

Things change and we forget about things and people. One moment they're important, and with a snap everything changes. Sometimes I wish I could just press CTRL + Z. To undo all those things, just to live with the good ones. Unfortunately, we couldn't. 

Some people are in a hurry to worry about things. But to say, I'm really in a hurry to be gone away. I mean if I could disappear into nothingness, I would. With all those failures and mistakes I made, you won't think I'm one to keep. It's just embarrassing to let others fall for you with the wrong decisions you made. It's just that, in all possible fairness, I could say life is fairly fair. Man never really accepts reality that is why they say it's unfair. 

Today I'm seeing life as a new division of what multiplication is. Life is a difference of what the sum of the whole is. Mathematically equating life with humanity just makes sense, it's up to you to decipher what I coded or what formula I made. 

Seriously,

Author Known

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST QUESTION IN LIFE?

Yesterday, I was really impressed by how my blog moved people. I mean not literally moving them from one place to another but the instance of making them rethink their opinions about life. I have written in my last blog that I see life as an examination. So here, I just want to tackle some of the queries this life may bring to us. I hope you'll understand my thoughts right now because I'm kind of irrational at this moment(and forth, I think). More irrational than usual. 

Life is an examination. It's just that in school we learn first before we take the test. In reality, we take the test then we learn. The irony in this simple prerogative is much more obscure when we try to comprehend it. 

What is my greatest question in life? Someone asked me this yesterday, and I think I should have answered that there are many but I am not sure where to start it. 

Some of my questions are..

1.When will I die?

2. Why did I ever exist in this world?

3. Am I really worthy to be living?

4. Will I ever find my true love?

5. Would I ever be successful?

6. Which is worse? Failing or never trying?

7. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

8. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always afraid of making it?

9. Am I making my own decisions or do I let others make them for me?

10. Why do I ask these questions?

I'm going to answer or if I can't, I will be writing my possible explanations for my questions from question 10 to 1. I just like to answer examinations like this, because I am very fond of taking it backwards. 

10. We ask questions for two reasons. The first reason is that we truly don't know the answer. The other way around is that we know the answer and we just couldn't accept it or we just like to reiterate the answer. I just don't know why I'm very curious about life. It has been a very broad subject to me and I seem to find a lot of thoughts in my brain about this phenomena that happen within this planet. Maybe I am asking these questions because of both reasons. I'm always caught up in the middle whenever I am not sure about the things I'm saying. Like now.

9. I'm more of a dependent person. I am the perfect illusion of someone who is very influential and yet I can't seem to find the words or decisions to make. I'm guessing which options are available because I can't seem to blame others for my mistakes, though.

8. Maybe because we don't want learning. Sometimes we commit the same mistakes over and over because we don't learn. Sometimes, we are afraid of making mistakes because of the possible consequences it may bring. 

7. Thinking for this question makes me waste a lot of time, seriously. My answer would be somewhere in the middle. I wouldn't like to be anything like a simpleton but sometimes I wish I was like it because of, if I don't know much about things I wouldn't be hurt. So I want to be in the middle. I don't want answering these types of debatable questions because I know I have an argument for each of the sides.

6. I guess the obvious answer would be never trying. It's worse than failing. Let's put it this way. How will you know the answer if you won't ask first? I mean, rejection is there but chances only come once every blue moon. You know what I mean. 

From question number five through one, I dunno the answers. I guess, these are all I've come up with. So bear with my irrationality. LOL.

Seriously,

JAM/AUTHOR KNOWN 

WHAT I THINK ABOUT LIFE

I want the world to know what I think life is. Life is a mere possibility of the consensus of the truth. It is continuously recording wrongs and lies. Forgetting the truth. Letting out fragments but never the whole. Life is existence. But what if a person loses the will to live? Would that be counted as existence as well? Even if it's just the physique that is visibly deteriorating?

Life defines living. It begins with birth and ends with death. It is the span of counting your breathing, pulses, and heartbeats. It results to faltering responses or how a person does when he lives. It is where you can do what you want to do, whatever it is just to occupy the time until you're dead. 


Life is a battle. Through the steps of life, we need to train. From birth until before death, we experience victories and downfalls. Mistakes are our antagonists. They make life hard. It isn't easy as it sounds and it portrays a role of someone who never lets you win. Conquering these kind of stuff makes us stronger and wiser. Sometimes we bleed, we become wounded. Sometimes these scars wouldn't heal. Its only eminence is for us to remember the lapses of the war. It accounts the aftermath or remark that we shouldn't let others wound us again with that same spot. 


Life is a race. On your mark, get set, GO! That's what we always hear. Those words can be something like, "You are now born in this planet, now go forth and win your race." When we were little we always stumble, we can't stand on our own. We often fall, we often get hurt. As life goes by, it doesn't change that conception. It becomes an irony of the differences that we make and how we make it. The turning point of existence defines how a person recovers after he fell down or stumble. Sometimes, we take a rest and estimate the time to catch up with others. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we stand up, resume the race like nothing happened. Sometimes we just need to be with others to keep ourselves from finishing the race. It is within someone's preference to complete through the finish line. I think it is more of finishing the race, and when you look back, you can say that you have done a great job and didn't stop after all those things that make the race uneasy.


Life is an examination. Only it is the other way. When we go to school, first, we learn, then we take the exam. With life, we first take the tests, and then we learn. It is quite the contrariness of this phenomena that take place in our lives. Tests are really in different ways. Sometimes it is a multiple choice, wherein we have many options but hard of it is taking risks if we don't know the right decision to make. Sometimes it is a matching type. You make your own analysis of things that go this way and that way, or much of the other. Sometimes it is an essay where you depend mainly on your own analysis, reasoning, or philosophy for a situation. One thing that I really think the type of questions I am facing with my life is IDENTIFICATION. When I know the answer I could always carry on to the next query. But when I don't know a thing about the question, I just hang in there making myself dwell on that problem forever. Sometimes I feel like answering a math equation whereas I could only solve it when I know(or cheat, just kidding, I don't do this one) the formula for it. Do you think there is a perfect formulation for life? I think there is, but no one knows. It is more of an induction of the derived formulas to solve the whole problem of life.


Life is a series of different roller coaster rides. Through twists and turns, ups and downs, I dunno how crazy my stomach will turn every time I'll ride it. I may have puked a thousand times but I know I've got to ride to get to the next phase. Every single would not leave any mark of predicament of where you would turn, where you would scream, where you would cry, where you would be at the top or bottom, and where you would go. 


So will you be my seatmate, in this roller coaster ride I'm in?


Yours,
Author Known, :))  

MY STRENGTHS

So this would simply be the continuation of my last post, just that it's kind of a contrast. I just want to let you know my strengths, I'm not trying to boast or something, I just want people to know, what and where I'm good at.

First things first. This isn't much of a secret, as far as everyone who knows me knows. I'm really a VERBOSE or wordy person. I am good with words, I mean like when you give me a set of words, I can make it a poem or a rhyming line. I like being like this. It is much of my advantage, because I feel like a grammar freak or something even if I am not really. Maybe I was like this because I find it amusing to read books, yeah, really, a lot of them. I can read two novels a day if I want to. And normally I read three books at a time. When I get bored from the first one, I switch to the next, and the next as the cycle goes on. 

I am good with academics. I just don't find it interesting to be like someone who is at the top. I don't like showing off. I like being at the bottom and it's just a matter of evaluating what you truly understand from the instructor or teacher. So don't review, lol :)) 

They say I'm a good speaker. Maybe it's just because I'm good with writing, it matches the deal as it is. One with the other seems a stronger eminence.

I am patient. Some say I'm not. It's just that they define this one in my temperament aspect. But I am really patient, with small things people don't really realize are of significance. 

I am good with playing the guitar. And I think I am legendary for self studying this instrument by myself. I wouldn't have the bragging rights of composing the graduation song for our batch if I'm not really that engaged with music. 

I am not feeling really verbose today because I had a migraine attack, that's why I'll end this one here. So frail, I hope you understand.

Seriously,

Author Known

MY WEAKNESSES

I've got this homework in English class that I have to state my weakness or weaknesses and how I deal with it. So I'll just let you know a fragment of me by reading this. And this is kind of intervening with my own personality as well as letting you know my weakest points as a human being. 

I'm really afraid of being REJECTED. Yes, the first spot goes to REJECTION!! I just don't like being rejected. I get that feeling when people reject my help or opinion, I feel really alone, wrong, disintegrated, and all. All I want to do is help. All I want you to know are how and what I think about the situation. I just don't like being brushed off in all possible rudeness. When I get rejected, I just let the situation be, like nothing really happened. I usually don't speak much about decisions and opinions because I fear that I would get rejected again. And the worst part of it is lying to myself that I should have stood up for my own. But that's just how it's supposed to be. I don't have to say much, in that way I wouldn't face the pain of rejection itself.

Another weakness of mine is that I FIND IT HARD TO MAKE DECISIONS. If you would ask me what I'd like to eat, I would bounce the question off and ask it to you. I don't rely on my own instincts. I mean, my mind is really full of undecided options. I don't really deal with this weakness myself because, people who ask me anything about what or which I like, knows that they would choose for me. 

I AM VERY KIND. I don't know if this is a weakness, but I think it is. The thing is that I can't say no to favors from people who I think are my friends. I'm like giving what I can to make it possible to do the favor even if I can't fit it in my schedule. It's just I think even if I know that person just uses me, as long as I know that he or she is happy, I would do the favor even if it isn't possible. I'll make the impossible possible. 

So there you have it, I wrote my weaknesses so that you wouldn't be taking advantage or making me ineligible of the life I would like to have. 

Seriously,

Author Known, :))

BEFORE AND AFTER?

When I went home, uhm, just thirty minutes ago, the first thing I did was to check my reflection in the mirror. I saw myself, with you-know-my-usual-hair-blown-style, almost half-panda eye bags, slightly leaner and thinner body frame. There was something different. I was smiling, and I don't know why. Don't call me crazy, or maybe I am. But I think it's just a curve in my mouth that expresses everything that I want to be. 

I realized that things are not really happening because they are supposed to be happening. Nothing is pure coincidence, as my theory states. An event can never be simultaneously inclined or related to another without any reason or precision. 

I was born of a Christian-family, at least my mom's side is. I have an aunt and an uncle who are pastors, my grandparents were the pioneer people who pushed to build our church, my mom's also a leader in the church. I, too, am a starting leader of it. 

For almost eleven years of being a Christian, I've many downfalls, I've backslid , I was a fake one(many times), I've lived a worldly life. I mean if you'd compare me now and before, you might want to choose the "in between". 

I realized, I was really blessed, even if I was someone I was before. After all those hardships and tests God has given to me, I know those made me stronger. 

BEFORE:

I've been a problem child. I didn't like to be with people, loner type. Irrational(well, until now I am, but I'm controlling this one now). Ignorant. Selfish. 

My family has never been something like everyone has pictured out when they see me. I mean, they don't really know what hell I've been that I don't want to come home every time I have to. My dad's really verbosely battering everyone in here to be like robots, like he's the only one who is doing all the hardships and such. In return to that, I have lost respect to him, I mean, until now I do. He has tortured me with all the verbal abuse I could get, and it just makes sense that I ignore him every time he tries to call out my attention. Mom told me, that I should respect him no matter what, but yet I can say she's really strong because she endured all of that, much more that I get from him. She stayed to have that formality. He's always bragging that he's a good father, I mean what kind of doof is that, when I don't feel I have one? Oh yeah, I have one, who is also my mother. Everything is complicated, I don't go well with my brothers, I don't talk to them about anything. So I'm just alone, making friends with my books and things that divert me to another world other than this. 

I WAS ANGRY WITH THE WORLD. 

I've tried to kill myself several times. Just to say I won't exist here. 

NOW:

You won't see any mark of my failures and troubles. I'm a very refined "someone" now. Back from being a nobody, I always thought about myself, just myself. If I'd be given a chance to rewind my life, I think I'll pass that opportunity. With all those U-turns and twists along the way, I always find my way back somewhere, and not just anywhere. My life before was a ruse. A trick. Because I felt like nothing. Now, I've been someone. I was saved, I was washed. Again. I am rekindled. I am taking baby steps about all these things that I am striving to be out of. I just feel filled. I have found a purpose to make myself useful in this planet. 

Now I'm seeing things perfectly imperfect. God has made me realize how much I wanted to be someone living for Him. His love has made me somehow complete, even with all these things. 

I'm working out with my brothers, I mean, now I talk to them more often. I try to listen to my mom whenever I have to. And I just ignore my dad, so I will not be led into any temptations of answering back to him. I'm making myself see things more clearly now. 

I hope I'll find deeper devotion with God now.

Just sayin',

Author Known, :))

What I Think I Am Notable For

Back in High School, I was really someone you would call a nobody. A loner. Fifty words a day. Invisible. (Compare me now, LOL)

Well, I was fond of poetry and things and such. I "just" wrote the graduation song of our batch. OMG, I remember the day when I stood up to say that I didn't like the composition of one of my batchmates, and that was a very weird moment for me. 

So yeah, I wrote a song, and I had to present it to the whole Senior faculty. And I was like, my heart's going to fall from over beating. It's a good thing my friends from my band helped me with this dilemma, I was half-relieved to know they were there for me. 

That hidden talent could have made me a better lyricist or something but I stopped it. It just became to overrated for me. 

What I wrote:

Believe The Dream

Looking back at the memories we had

I knew we've gone so far

And now we're saying goodbyes so sad

Requesting God to play it back

Refrain:

Way back was emptiness

There's no turning back

To the struggles and downfalls

We'd sometimes lose our track

Chorus:

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

When life's a picture

Of a never ending journey

To believe in the dream

To reality it would seem

And it's up to us now

To make or break our chance

Today

We may not be as certain we seem

Tomorrow's never ending

And we draw nearer to our dream

To live a new beginning

Bridge:

Strongholds are broken

Locked doors are opened

If we'll keep chasing yesterday

We're missing out today

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

We have the world

All in our hands

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

We have the world

All in our hands

To believe in the dream

To reality it would seem

And it's up to us now

To make or break our chance

Today

And now we're saying goodbyes so sad

Requesting God to play it back

Upon reading this again after a year, I never really knew what I wrote back then. Now, I found what it means. And I am very grateful that I wrote that myself. I am really grateful that I stood up for myself. I made a difference. 

BRAGGING RIGHTS BELONG TO ME :))

  

Halfway Through First Week of Sophomore Year

Today marks halfway through first week of Sophomore Year. It has been a year, and definitely it has been a very memorable one. 

I may be ignorant and ranting about things but I cannot really imagine how I survived that school year without myself. Yes, definitely without myself. I mean, my old self. 

It was really unimaginable to lose grip on things and people that I was with in High School. But I did. It could have been "WHAT IF?" I expected a lot of things from before, that is why I am very disappointed. 


My first WHAT IF would be, "WHAT IF I WERE STILL BEST FRIENDS WITH HER?", (Sorry, you-know-who-u-r if you're reading, no offense and comparison intended, just pure emotions here) It was really remarkable for me. I haven't moved on from that, but still, I'm getting there. We're now really good friends making up for the lost time now, but yeah, it's just the very constant thing existing in this entire planet is CHANGE. And nothing can change that. I realized after quite giving time time(I'm not being redundant here, I am just explaining that giving time, time?! Whatever, I don't know either, just don't misinterpret it :)), it made me try to mingle with people. I'm quite a loner down at HS boulevard, and I'm not that known, not that I know of. I was inexplicable, but now I'm slightly an open book, just to those I feel like sharing to. I became cognizant that I had many friends, it's not streaming but I just have them when I am in need. I can only count them on my fingers but yet, they do everything for me. One of my closest friends now, I won't say her name, yeah, she'll figure this one out (Here's the tip, her name is someone associated with royalties, haha doof, obviously). I won't say she's my best friend now but she could be. I give people the same level of trust after all, HAHA. She's really a potential candidate to be, but you know, it's really hard to move on from the first. JOKE. I'm getting there, I promise. So much for being wordy and verbose, tss. I was a confidant back then, but now I'm the confider. It feels really good to let go of something because I know God planned something better or more. Okay let's get back to the topic. DOOF, segway.. 


Second, "WHAT IF I WENT TO ANOTHER SCHOOL TO SHIFT MY COURSE?", I was thinking hard on this, until now. I passed two magnificent schools and yet I haven't reconsidered them. I'm afraid I would ruin the things I have now. I don't know where I should belong to. I don't know, could it be NOWHERE? Maybe. I don't know. It's hard to choose, it could end the other or open a door to a new beginning. Whatever my decision will be, I hope I would make the right choice. NAGPAPAPIGIL PO AKO, FOR VALID REASONS. LOL, EMOTERA LANG.


Lastly, "WHAT IF HIGH SCHOOL WERE FOREVER?", I thought hard on this one. It was very striking to see if I could endure a life with all that pressure and stuff but I guess, that is what makes it something. I could have lived a life full of allowance all year, endless self-bullying, stuck with the people you know. That was it. If life would be a fairy tale, endings would never be real endings. I pictured a life like this, but I guess I won't trade that with the one that I have now. I'm secured. From the life I wanted. And the life I would like to be a mystery. It has been a great thing to be existing seventeen years on this planet, and I am very thankful for all the victories and downfalls, for falling in and out of  attachments and heartbreaks, life and lifeless. 


WHAT IF I START LOOKING BEYOND WHAT I CAN BE TO MAKE THE BEST OUT OF MY NOTHINGNESS? These are what I can say about my halfway celebration through the first week of Sophomore Year, it was kinda out of the way but, definitely noteworthy :))
MATTER OCCUPIES SPACE. BUT MY SPACE IS OCCUPIED BY SOMEONE(/PEOPLE) WHO MATTERS :))


Seriously,
Author Known, :))

What I Observed

People mistake people for just being people. They make it easy to be lucid with the imperfection by trying to drain the perfection. I'm not trying to be redundant with words but it's all I can use to prove to you what I realized. I think that this world we are in, is very uncertain. It's hard to say that the mere possibility of reality could always be an illusion.

The same thing is reiterated over and over without even knowing. I read this quote from Rant by Chuck Palahniuk that "Some people are just born human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there." The thing is that, I was moved by this. My mind went racing to the best of its capabilities to know whether if I am human, if I was born human, and if I am one of the rest. 

I realized, that being someone does not depend upon the relativity of oneself to others. I could say that I am different with every person I meet. I have a different prerogative with the friends or whom I could say are friends. I am a different person towards who I am talking with. I take sides, but I seldom take mine. 

It swallows us. It rots us. It decays us to our own beings. First impressions really last. And where do these prejudices lead us? It will lead us to nothing. It will lead us to the lies, to what we know are the truth. 

I, myself, don't know the difference between knowing my own self and knowing others. Now, I realize that I do know the answer but refuse to believe or accept it. Knowing others is like knowing yourself, if you will not learn to know others, you will never know yourself. The difference is that it is what you think with your own but in different bodies. 

We do not really know the truth. Lies make it easier to live with what we don't know. All at once everything can fall apart. What you knew you believe in could betray yourself in many ways. It's just a matter of thinking. 

Frustrations. Regrets. Doubts. All are the same, it's just that it differentiates one from the other from one's prerogative to another. 

Or this is just a lie. Maybe I am just thinking irrationally. 

--Author Known

DEAR FIVE YEAR-OLD SELF #1

Dear Five year-old self, 


I am writing to you because I want you to know what a mess I, the seventeen year-old you has become. So if you are wondering , well I am in a "so-so" situation as of now. So far, so good. But really I miss the long naps, endless cartoons, being treated kindly, and attention catching entourages. 


I guess, everything has changed. I have grown up not doing what I want. That is the mere and worst part of me. I mean, of us. I got ditched by a couple of trusted people in my life resounding their inhabited memories all over my head again and again. Nobody wants to be with me because everyone thinks I am weird. I have friends, which you can count with your fingers and less. So does four a good number to you or do you want more? Nah, I'm just joking, I couldn't care less about bothering to increase in wasted specific numbers. 


I do not intend for you to understand much of what I want to say to you. But I could write to you my relentless adventures from this day on. I don't live up to others choices and recoil to it. I want you to make mistakes of your own and learn from what I am going to relate to you. 


The crazier improbability of this note is that you would not have the chance to read this. Actually, you'll find yourself staring blankly much these days if you are going to fit your feet in my shoes. Whereas, and which literally would not do and would never happen. I kept taunting reasons. I still do. But if you are wondering if you grew half-way of what you want to be. The answer is no. Not really.


The starting rhythm of any song speeds up in unison inside my brain. So every time I close my eyes, I drift in another world full of floating words and notes. Also, with crappy and unwanted moments playing on repeat over my head. They sting me like crazy.


After a year in college, you will find yourself lost. As in stuck in the moment, where you find yourself nowhere. Just grading the unstoppable consistency of falling. Throbbing. And breathing.



That's all for now. So TTYL.


Sincerely,
The older you, Jam



That's all for now. So TTYL.


Sincerely,
The older you, Jam

So this is my first time to write a blog about something. I am not really a good writer but I love to write things all over. 

I trust a person when I become acquainted with him or her. And once that trust is broken, I mean that is over forever. That's how I play this game. 

Counting all the hearts I've broken, I could say that I was really a hooker.

Step 1: You make me your friend. 

The thing about this friendship as a relationship is that it has levels. Before you get to that lowest platform of friendship, first you have to be strangers. What do strangers do at first? I've been living in a world full of people I don't really know. To be sure that these people are really people, why don't they act like it? The morbidity of this classlessness intensifies the inhibiting occurrence of prejudice. 

As what we typically know, when your friend introduces you to his friend, you'll say "HI" or introduce your name, right? Or you'll hold out your hand for a simple handshake. From this point of moment you'll have this first impressions. Whether he or she is classy or not, rich kid or poor type, witty or booger-brained, and many as well as you can always imagine. That second on, you call yourselves acquaintances. Wherein, the one real benefit of this relationship is that you could call out his or her name in public just to show that you know this person. The same goes to you and that person.  

When this person talks to you when you are not with the person who introduced you to him, you can say that he has interest of raising your level to the second platform of this relationship which I can say FRIENDSHIP. 

Step 2: I'll make you fall in love with me.

Here you can stay as flirty as you want to be, there are no rules to break. Since you're just a friend in the making. To be exact there are no boy best friends. Everything with the opposite sex has that touch of sensitivity when it comes to that. Since for a long time you're "close" to this guy, saying there is nothing fishy about it. Friendship leads to a flame whatever it is. And that flame, when tolerated, will become a fire that burns you and eat you up until there is nothing left to start with. 

You leave acts of generosity with your time and just thinking it is for the sake of the friendship and such. But when the guy starts tripping and falling for you, misinterpreting the real reason why you're doing it, then you are really doomed. 

Say HI to GOODBYE FRIEND. 

Step 3: You'll confess and I'll break your heart.

When the guy confesses his feelings for you everything becomes awkward. Everything becomes complicated. Friends will ask why you become so distant with each other. And making it hell to become adaptive to this position you are in. AWKWARDNESS. Something you don't want to feel. Anyway, say you don't feel anything for this guy and you let him be like that. The first thing you will feel is pity. That's it really. Pity for him, for yourself, and for the rest of the common friends you have. He's there ready to catch you but you weren't the same as he expected. SO WHAT'S THE FREAKIN' POINT? The repercussions of your actions are reaped today. Congratulations, you now have an awkward situation, a complicated instability of your own refurbished leveled up platform reason. Why is it that guys do that thing? They confess without even knowing the consequences they got to face. Well, that's what you call falling. You can't think while you do that really. 

Breaking hearts are really easy but the friend you know you have has come to nothing. 

Step 4: Make him realize why you dumped him.

The thing about dumping a guy is that it comes handy when you see this person walking and holding hands with another girl. Here you can safely say that, "You should thank me, I did you a favor by breaking your effin heart. Now you found someone who will truly feel the same as you do without any barriers to break you (yet!)."

So that's the truth about it. Paths are rearranged every time you make a turn or two. It just gets longer and longer. Pretty gruesome as I may say. But the journey you can get never devours the emotions you could possibly feel for people and decisions you may pass by. Life is really living a nightmare and realizing you just see it that way. 

So that's it. I don't intend for this to be recalled or judged or anything. I'm just letting out my words because I can't keep them in my mind anyhow.