BEFORE AND AFTER?

When I went home, uhm, just thirty minutes ago, the first thing I did was to check my reflection in the mirror. I saw myself, with you-know-my-usual-hair-blown-style, almost half-panda eye bags, slightly leaner and thinner body frame. There was something different. I was smiling, and I don't know why. Don't call me crazy, or maybe I am. But I think it's just a curve in my mouth that expresses everything that I want to be. 

I realized that things are not really happening because they are supposed to be happening. Nothing is pure coincidence, as my theory states. An event can never be simultaneously inclined or related to another without any reason or precision. 

I was born of a Christian-family, at least my mom's side is. I have an aunt and an uncle who are pastors, my grandparents were the pioneer people who pushed to build our church, my mom's also a leader in the church. I, too, am a starting leader of it. 

For almost eleven years of being a Christian, I've many downfalls, I've backslid , I was a fake one(many times), I've lived a worldly life. I mean if you'd compare me now and before, you might want to choose the "in between". 

I realized, I was really blessed, even if I was someone I was before. After all those hardships and tests God has given to me, I know those made me stronger. 

BEFORE:

I've been a problem child. I didn't like to be with people, loner type. Irrational(well, until now I am, but I'm controlling this one now). Ignorant. Selfish. 

My family has never been something like everyone has pictured out when they see me. I mean, they don't really know what hell I've been that I don't want to come home every time I have to. My dad's really verbosely battering everyone in here to be like robots, like he's the only one who is doing all the hardships and such. In return to that, I have lost respect to him, I mean, until now I do. He has tortured me with all the verbal abuse I could get, and it just makes sense that I ignore him every time he tries to call out my attention. Mom told me, that I should respect him no matter what, but yet I can say she's really strong because she endured all of that, much more that I get from him. She stayed to have that formality. He's always bragging that he's a good father, I mean what kind of doof is that, when I don't feel I have one? Oh yeah, I have one, who is also my mother. Everything is complicated, I don't go well with my brothers, I don't talk to them about anything. So I'm just alone, making friends with my books and things that divert me to another world other than this. 

I WAS ANGRY WITH THE WORLD. 

I've tried to kill myself several times. Just to say I won't exist here. 

NOW:

You won't see any mark of my failures and troubles. I'm a very refined "someone" now. Back from being a nobody, I always thought about myself, just myself. If I'd be given a chance to rewind my life, I think I'll pass that opportunity. With all those U-turns and twists along the way, I always find my way back somewhere, and not just anywhere. My life before was a ruse. A trick. Because I felt like nothing. Now, I've been someone. I was saved, I was washed. Again. I am rekindled. I am taking baby steps about all these things that I am striving to be out of. I just feel filled. I have found a purpose to make myself useful in this planet. 

Now I'm seeing things perfectly imperfect. God has made me realize how much I wanted to be someone living for Him. His love has made me somehow complete, even with all these things. 

I'm working out with my brothers, I mean, now I talk to them more often. I try to listen to my mom whenever I have to. And I just ignore my dad, so I will not be led into any temptations of answering back to him. I'm making myself see things more clearly now. 

I hope I'll find deeper devotion with God now.

Just sayin',

Author Known, :))