What I Think I Am Notable For

Back in High School, I was really someone you would call a nobody. A loner. Fifty words a day. Invisible. (Compare me now, LOL)

Well, I was fond of poetry and things and such. I "just" wrote the graduation song of our batch. OMG, I remember the day when I stood up to say that I didn't like the composition of one of my batchmates, and that was a very weird moment for me. 

So yeah, I wrote a song, and I had to present it to the whole Senior faculty. And I was like, my heart's going to fall from over beating. It's a good thing my friends from my band helped me with this dilemma, I was half-relieved to know they were there for me. 

That hidden talent could have made me a better lyricist or something but I stopped it. It just became to overrated for me. 

What I wrote:

Believe The Dream

Looking back at the memories we had

I knew we've gone so far

And now we're saying goodbyes so sad

Requesting God to play it back

Refrain:

Way back was emptiness

There's no turning back

To the struggles and downfalls

We'd sometimes lose our track

Chorus:

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

When life's a picture

Of a never ending journey

To believe in the dream

To reality it would seem

And it's up to us now

To make or break our chance

Today

We may not be as certain we seem

Tomorrow's never ending

And we draw nearer to our dream

To live a new beginning

Bridge:

Strongholds are broken

Locked doors are opened

If we'll keep chasing yesterday

We're missing out today

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

We have the world

All in our hands

'Cause we see the stars

All right in front of us

We have the world

All in our hands

To believe in the dream

To reality it would seem

And it's up to us now

To make or break our chance

Today

And now we're saying goodbyes so sad

Requesting God to play it back

Upon reading this again after a year, I never really knew what I wrote back then. Now, I found what it means. And I am very grateful that I wrote that myself. I am really grateful that I stood up for myself. I made a difference. 

BRAGGING RIGHTS BELONG TO ME :))

  

Halfway Through First Week of Sophomore Year

Today marks halfway through first week of Sophomore Year. It has been a year, and definitely it has been a very memorable one. 

I may be ignorant and ranting about things but I cannot really imagine how I survived that school year without myself. Yes, definitely without myself. I mean, my old self. 

It was really unimaginable to lose grip on things and people that I was with in High School. But I did. It could have been "WHAT IF?" I expected a lot of things from before, that is why I am very disappointed. 


My first WHAT IF would be, "WHAT IF I WERE STILL BEST FRIENDS WITH HER?", (Sorry, you-know-who-u-r if you're reading, no offense and comparison intended, just pure emotions here) It was really remarkable for me. I haven't moved on from that, but still, I'm getting there. We're now really good friends making up for the lost time now, but yeah, it's just the very constant thing existing in this entire planet is CHANGE. And nothing can change that. I realized after quite giving time time(I'm not being redundant here, I am just explaining that giving time, time?! Whatever, I don't know either, just don't misinterpret it :)), it made me try to mingle with people. I'm quite a loner down at HS boulevard, and I'm not that known, not that I know of. I was inexplicable, but now I'm slightly an open book, just to those I feel like sharing to. I became cognizant that I had many friends, it's not streaming but I just have them when I am in need. I can only count them on my fingers but yet, they do everything for me. One of my closest friends now, I won't say her name, yeah, she'll figure this one out (Here's the tip, her name is someone associated with royalties, haha doof, obviously). I won't say she's my best friend now but she could be. I give people the same level of trust after all, HAHA. She's really a potential candidate to be, but you know, it's really hard to move on from the first. JOKE. I'm getting there, I promise. So much for being wordy and verbose, tss. I was a confidant back then, but now I'm the confider. It feels really good to let go of something because I know God planned something better or more. Okay let's get back to the topic. DOOF, segway.. 


Second, "WHAT IF I WENT TO ANOTHER SCHOOL TO SHIFT MY COURSE?", I was thinking hard on this, until now. I passed two magnificent schools and yet I haven't reconsidered them. I'm afraid I would ruin the things I have now. I don't know where I should belong to. I don't know, could it be NOWHERE? Maybe. I don't know. It's hard to choose, it could end the other or open a door to a new beginning. Whatever my decision will be, I hope I would make the right choice. NAGPAPAPIGIL PO AKO, FOR VALID REASONS. LOL, EMOTERA LANG.


Lastly, "WHAT IF HIGH SCHOOL WERE FOREVER?", I thought hard on this one. It was very striking to see if I could endure a life with all that pressure and stuff but I guess, that is what makes it something. I could have lived a life full of allowance all year, endless self-bullying, stuck with the people you know. That was it. If life would be a fairy tale, endings would never be real endings. I pictured a life like this, but I guess I won't trade that with the one that I have now. I'm secured. From the life I wanted. And the life I would like to be a mystery. It has been a great thing to be existing seventeen years on this planet, and I am very thankful for all the victories and downfalls, for falling in and out of  attachments and heartbreaks, life and lifeless. 


WHAT IF I START LOOKING BEYOND WHAT I CAN BE TO MAKE THE BEST OUT OF MY NOTHINGNESS? These are what I can say about my halfway celebration through the first week of Sophomore Year, it was kinda out of the way but, definitely noteworthy :))
MATTER OCCUPIES SPACE. BUT MY SPACE IS OCCUPIED BY SOMEONE(/PEOPLE) WHO MATTERS :))


Seriously,
Author Known, :))

What I Observed

People mistake people for just being people. They make it easy to be lucid with the imperfection by trying to drain the perfection. I'm not trying to be redundant with words but it's all I can use to prove to you what I realized. I think that this world we are in, is very uncertain. It's hard to say that the mere possibility of reality could always be an illusion.

The same thing is reiterated over and over without even knowing. I read this quote from Rant by Chuck Palahniuk that "Some people are just born human. The rest of us, we take a lifetime to get there." The thing is that, I was moved by this. My mind went racing to the best of its capabilities to know whether if I am human, if I was born human, and if I am one of the rest. 

I realized, that being someone does not depend upon the relativity of oneself to others. I could say that I am different with every person I meet. I have a different prerogative with the friends or whom I could say are friends. I am a different person towards who I am talking with. I take sides, but I seldom take mine. 

It swallows us. It rots us. It decays us to our own beings. First impressions really last. And where do these prejudices lead us? It will lead us to nothing. It will lead us to the lies, to what we know are the truth. 

I, myself, don't know the difference between knowing my own self and knowing others. Now, I realize that I do know the answer but refuse to believe or accept it. Knowing others is like knowing yourself, if you will not learn to know others, you will never know yourself. The difference is that it is what you think with your own but in different bodies. 

We do not really know the truth. Lies make it easier to live with what we don't know. All at once everything can fall apart. What you knew you believe in could betray yourself in many ways. It's just a matter of thinking. 

Frustrations. Regrets. Doubts. All are the same, it's just that it differentiates one from the other from one's prerogative to another. 

Or this is just a lie. Maybe I am just thinking irrationally. 

--Author Known

DEAR FIVE YEAR-OLD SELF #1

Dear Five year-old self, 


I am writing to you because I want you to know what a mess I, the seventeen year-old you has become. So if you are wondering , well I am in a "so-so" situation as of now. So far, so good. But really I miss the long naps, endless cartoons, being treated kindly, and attention catching entourages. 


I guess, everything has changed. I have grown up not doing what I want. That is the mere and worst part of me. I mean, of us. I got ditched by a couple of trusted people in my life resounding their inhabited memories all over my head again and again. Nobody wants to be with me because everyone thinks I am weird. I have friends, which you can count with your fingers and less. So does four a good number to you or do you want more? Nah, I'm just joking, I couldn't care less about bothering to increase in wasted specific numbers. 


I do not intend for you to understand much of what I want to say to you. But I could write to you my relentless adventures from this day on. I don't live up to others choices and recoil to it. I want you to make mistakes of your own and learn from what I am going to relate to you. 


The crazier improbability of this note is that you would not have the chance to read this. Actually, you'll find yourself staring blankly much these days if you are going to fit your feet in my shoes. Whereas, and which literally would not do and would never happen. I kept taunting reasons. I still do. But if you are wondering if you grew half-way of what you want to be. The answer is no. Not really.


The starting rhythm of any song speeds up in unison inside my brain. So every time I close my eyes, I drift in another world full of floating words and notes. Also, with crappy and unwanted moments playing on repeat over my head. They sting me like crazy.


After a year in college, you will find yourself lost. As in stuck in the moment, where you find yourself nowhere. Just grading the unstoppable consistency of falling. Throbbing. And breathing.



That's all for now. So TTYL.


Sincerely,
The older you, Jam



That's all for now. So TTYL.


Sincerely,
The older you, Jam

So this is my first time to write a blog about something. I am not really a good writer but I love to write things all over. 

I trust a person when I become acquainted with him or her. And once that trust is broken, I mean that is over forever. That's how I play this game. 

Counting all the hearts I've broken, I could say that I was really a hooker.

Step 1: You make me your friend. 

The thing about this friendship as a relationship is that it has levels. Before you get to that lowest platform of friendship, first you have to be strangers. What do strangers do at first? I've been living in a world full of people I don't really know. To be sure that these people are really people, why don't they act like it? The morbidity of this classlessness intensifies the inhibiting occurrence of prejudice. 

As what we typically know, when your friend introduces you to his friend, you'll say "HI" or introduce your name, right? Or you'll hold out your hand for a simple handshake. From this point of moment you'll have this first impressions. Whether he or she is classy or not, rich kid or poor type, witty or booger-brained, and many as well as you can always imagine. That second on, you call yourselves acquaintances. Wherein, the one real benefit of this relationship is that you could call out his or her name in public just to show that you know this person. The same goes to you and that person.  

When this person talks to you when you are not with the person who introduced you to him, you can say that he has interest of raising your level to the second platform of this relationship which I can say FRIENDSHIP. 

Step 2: I'll make you fall in love with me.

Here you can stay as flirty as you want to be, there are no rules to break. Since you're just a friend in the making. To be exact there are no boy best friends. Everything with the opposite sex has that touch of sensitivity when it comes to that. Since for a long time you're "close" to this guy, saying there is nothing fishy about it. Friendship leads to a flame whatever it is. And that flame, when tolerated, will become a fire that burns you and eat you up until there is nothing left to start with. 

You leave acts of generosity with your time and just thinking it is for the sake of the friendship and such. But when the guy starts tripping and falling for you, misinterpreting the real reason why you're doing it, then you are really doomed. 

Say HI to GOODBYE FRIEND. 

Step 3: You'll confess and I'll break your heart.

When the guy confesses his feelings for you everything becomes awkward. Everything becomes complicated. Friends will ask why you become so distant with each other. And making it hell to become adaptive to this position you are in. AWKWARDNESS. Something you don't want to feel. Anyway, say you don't feel anything for this guy and you let him be like that. The first thing you will feel is pity. That's it really. Pity for him, for yourself, and for the rest of the common friends you have. He's there ready to catch you but you weren't the same as he expected. SO WHAT'S THE FREAKIN' POINT? The repercussions of your actions are reaped today. Congratulations, you now have an awkward situation, a complicated instability of your own refurbished leveled up platform reason. Why is it that guys do that thing? They confess without even knowing the consequences they got to face. Well, that's what you call falling. You can't think while you do that really. 

Breaking hearts are really easy but the friend you know you have has come to nothing. 

Step 4: Make him realize why you dumped him.

The thing about dumping a guy is that it comes handy when you see this person walking and holding hands with another girl. Here you can safely say that, "You should thank me, I did you a favor by breaking your effin heart. Now you found someone who will truly feel the same as you do without any barriers to break you (yet!)."

So that's the truth about it. Paths are rearranged every time you make a turn or two. It just gets longer and longer. Pretty gruesome as I may say. But the journey you can get never devours the emotions you could possibly feel for people and decisions you may pass by. Life is really living a nightmare and realizing you just see it that way. 

So that's it. I don't intend for this to be recalled or judged or anything. I'm just letting out my words because I can't keep them in my mind anyhow.